As Gunther is driving out of the city to camp with his 3 closest friends: Ajal, Aspen and Ahurewa, little does he know what is about to happen. As the four of them are leaving the city, they realize that they can on longer see the city, which was weird to Gunther because he could have sworn that they had just seen the city 2 seconds ago. However, none of them thought much of it. The girls loved how green the trees were, they were feeling so adventurous; one of the girls, Ahurewa, was making fun of the other because Aspen was sacred because she had never been to the forest before. All through, as they got close to where they were going, all four of them had a feeling that it was an odd place that they were going. The reason that they thought this was due to the fact that an owl had been following them since they left the city.
It's too late now, because by the time that they had all realized this they had already pulled into the forest. Ajal, said that he ‘wasn't sacred’ but he was a little off some of the time, he was a little scary to the girls, but they didn't say anything, he was Gunther's best friend. The girls were so happy to get there, but when they stepped out of the car they got an eerie feeling, by the way the trees hovered over the cars but without moving, as if there were eyes watching them, nevertheless there was no one else around. All four of them probably got out of the car and went to the trunk to get all the camping supplies, as they were doing that Aspen had got distracted by a little bunny that had run into the forest. The reason that she got distracted was because part of the forest was dark. She was amazed by that because it was one o’clock in the afternoon. The forest was pitch black. The other three had gotten all the camping supplies ready to go.
The four friends walk into the forest. As they are walking in, they are tripping over the tiny twigs, they can feel them crunch under their feet. The trees are so close together the girls are crying because the moss that was in the trees is rubbing against their clothes. The forest feels suffocated because the trees are placed so close together that it also makes it hard to move between them. Not only is it hard to move but you have to push through every step, due to how tall the grass is, so tall that it goes up the boys pants that they are wearing. They were walking for hours, and they finally reached a spot that isn't sprouted with trees. As they start Setting up their campsite in the short grass that was in the shape of a circle; as if It was there meant for them, but they didn't think twice about it.
After they moved all the rocks out of the big grass circle, they set up the two tents, one for the boys and the other for the girls. They had felt raindrops dropping on the top of the tents but it was raining outside. The dripping kept going but she didn't really notice it until the night after they had set up all the tents in the fireplace. By the time we had finished it had reached dark. But one of the girls didn't care because Aspen had finally realized that this place wasn't scary after all, there's no need to fear anything because nothing else was out there, it was as if she became one with the nature that surrounded her. She walked out of the campsite and into the dark in the forest and laid down staring up at the trees that were filled with Moss dangling from the tree limbs.
After Aspen had laid there for about 30 minutes she decided to head back because she didn't want her friends to worry about her. And she's walking back she could hear noises as if somebody's walking behind her but she was all alone, so she thought. She started running out of fear, she had fallen and scraped her knee and picked herself up and realized that there was blood on the rock. She looked at the rock and the rock had blood on it, But her knee was bleeding. That means it wasn't hers she freaked out even more and started running through the moss, tall grass and suffocating trees. Her friends realize that she is gone instead of freaking out and panicking looking for her.
Aspen comes running to the campsite out of breath gasping for air, Gunther and Ahurewa coming to her rescue. With the darked woods behind her, they could see a pair of eyes creeping closer and closer behind the moss, almost as if the figure was hiding it, trying not to be seen. The friends start running for their lives but they're just running in circles at this point and they realize that once she had came back to their campsite. They try and try again but also that it's not something chasing them, it's Ajal. They Continue running in this eerie forest, that they are trapped it.
Hey Payton,
ReplyDeleteYour blog was all over the place. There were tons of grammatical errors or sentences that didn’t make sense. If you were to read over your blog once it was finished, a lot of the mistakes could have been avoided. I had to reread most of the sentences because how you wrote it didn’t make any sense. For example, in your third paragraph you wrote “The four friends walk into the forest. As they are walking in, they are tripping over the tiny twigs, they can feel them crunch under their feet.” You repeat walking into the forest twice and you switch between them walking on twigs to tripping over them. Also you wrote “The dripping kept going but I didn't really notice it until the night after they had set up all the tents in the fireplace.” I think you meant to write something along the lines of the rain kept dripping but they didn’t really notice until after they set up the tents next to the fire pit.
Your paper is written in third person but there are several places where you switch to “i” and makes the overall flow of the writing very confusing. Everything is really choppy and nothing seems to flow together at all.
For AO2 I would give you 4 points. In all honesty, I don't think Cambridge is going to be as giving. This blog was very hard to understand and almost every sentence has an error.
Payton,
ReplyDeleteI liked your story because it was a creative take on the prompt, however your response to the prompt was very unorganized and lacked a clear direction. There were many grammatical errors that impede communication. There are many simple errors including misspellings of basic lexical choices and frequent punctuation errors that make your sentences difficult to understand. Your response showed 'minimal attempt to address the audience' and at times the focus of your writing was completely unclear. The specific quote from your response, "With the darked woods behind her, they could see a pair of eyes creeping closer and closer behind the moss, almost as if the figure was hiding it, trying not to be seen", is packed with grammatical and punctuational errors and the subject of the sentence is unclear because you frequently switch pronouns from 'her' to 'they' to 'the figure' and then 'it' all within the same sentence. This is unorganized and your ideas are minimally developed. In the future take more time to revise and plan your response and correct the errors and you will score higher.
3/25
Hi Payton,
ReplyDeleteI’m just gonna get right to the point. The story was a good idea but it made no sense at all. I could tell what was happening with the pictures but the majority of sentences had an error, or more. Plus many of them made no sense in general. An example being “She started running out of fear, she had fallen and scraped her knee and picked herself up and realized that there was blood on the rock. She looked at the rock and the rock had blood on it, But her knee was bleeding.” This can be simplified and I how it was phrased I questioned what you really meant to write and it threw me off. Along with that you have a grammatical error. ‘... it, But…” Either make it a period or make the ‘but’ lowercase. Also another common mistake was when spelling ‘scared’ you put ‘sacred’ those two words are totally different. Some other errors you had were when you switched between third or first person. Choose one.
I suggest going back and re-reading. Reading it out loud will help you find words that don't fit or sentences that flow. Speaking of flow, your story was choppy and sounded like you hopped to one eye then the next. Instead of writing a story it sounded like you wrote a single sentence of the scene you had in your head and put them together. This is an ok way to write but, again, re-read your story so you can figure out how it would sound to the audience.
Overall I would give you a score of 3. I know you can do better so show Cambridge what your best writing sounds like.
Dear Payton,
ReplyDeleteYour story was very interesting and often riddled with several twists and turns. However, it was executed poorly. To begin, the first issue I ran into was the problem with frequent run-on sentences. For example, “As the four of them are leaving the city, they realize that they can noon longer see the city, which was weird to Gunther because he could have sworn that they had just seen the city 2 seconds ago”. This message could’ve been conveyed much easier if simply broken up into multiple sentences instead of commas. Personally, I would’ve worded this as “As the four of them are leaving the city, they realize that they can no longer see the city. This was weird to Gunther because he could have sworn that they had just seen the city 2 seconds ago.” Because of this I have to keep you at a level one, due to according to the rubric “Frequent errors which impede communication”. Moving on, there were many misspelled words littered throughout, for example “All through” “darked”, which unfortunately also kept your score at a level one. Overall I gave you 3 marks.